INGABE umshado wakho usesimweni esifanayo? Mhlawumbe oshade naye ukwenze wangamethemba noma ninezingxabano ezingapheli esezinephuce injabulo emshadweni. Uma kunjalo, ungase uthi, ‘Asisathandani,’ noma, ‘Sasingadalelwananga’ noma ‘Sashada ngephutha.’ Kungenzeka unanomuzwa wokuthi, ‘Mhlawumbe kufanele sehlukane.’

Ngaphambi kokwenza isinqumo sokunqamula umshado wakho ngokuphamazela, cabanga. Ukwehlukanisa akuziqedi ngaso sonke isikhathi izinkathazo zokuphila. Kunalokho, ngokuvamile kumane kushintshe olunye uhlobo lwezinkinga ngolunye. Encwadini yakhe ethi The Good Enough Teen, uDkt. Brad Sachs uyaxwayisa: “Imibhangqwana ehlukanisayo ivame ukuphupha ngesehlukaniso esingenazinkinga—ukudlula kwezingxabano ngokushesha futhi unomphela, esikhundleni sazo kube nomoya wokuthula nentokozo. Kodwa isimo esinjalo siyinto engasoze yaba khona njengoba nomshado ophelele ungeke ube khona.” Ngakho-ke, kubalulekile ukuba nolwazi oluphelele futhi ubhekane namaqiniso lapho ucabangela isehlukaniso.

IBhayibheli alisithathi njengento encane isehlukaniso. Lithi uJehova uNkulunkulu ukubona kuwukukhohlisa nenzondo ukulahla oshade naye, mhlawumbe ngenjongo yokushada nomunye. (Malaki 2:13-16) Umshado uyisibopho esihlala njalo. (Mathewu 19:6) Imishado eminingi eqedwe ngezizathu ezingatheni ngabe yasinda ukube abashadile babethethelelana kakhudlwana.—Mathewu 18:21, 22.

Ngesikhathi esifanayo, iBhayibheli liyakuvumela ukwehlukanisa futhi uphinde ushade ngesizathu esisodwa—ubulili ngaphandle komshado. (Mathewu 19:9) Ngakho-ke, uma uthola ukuthi oshade naye wenze ukungethembeki, unalo ilungelo lokufaka isehlukaniso. Akufanele abanye baphoqelele imibono yabo kuwe, futhi injongo yalesi sihloko ayikona ukukutshela ukuthi wenzeni. Ekugcineni, nguwe oyobhekana nemiphumela; ngakho nguwe okufanele unqume.—Galathiya 6:5.

Noma kunjalo iBhayibheli lithi: “Okhaliphile uyazicabangela izinyathelo zakhe.” (IzAga 14:15) Ngakho, ngisho noma unezizathu ezingokomBhalo zokwehlukanisa, uyobe wenza kahle ngokucabangisisa ngokuthi yini ehilelekile ekuthatheni leso sinyathelo. (1 Korinte 6:12) UDavid waseBrithani uthi: “Abanye bangase  bacabange ukuthi kufanele benze isinqumo ngokushesha. Kodwa njengoba sengike ngehlukanisa, ngingasho ukuthi siyadingeka isikhathi sokucabangisisa ngezinto.” *

Ake sicabangele izici ezine ezibalulekile okufanele uzicabangele. Njengoba senza kanjalo, phawula ukuthi akekho noyedwa kulabo abehlukanisa othi wenza iphutha ngesinqumo sakhe. Nokho, lokho abakushoyo kubonisa ezinye izinselele ezivame ukuvela ngemva kwezinyanga noma ngisho neminyaka ngemva kokwehlukanisa.

UDaniella wase-Italy, ngemva kweminyaka engu-12 eshadile wathola ukuthi umyeni wakhe uthandana nomuntu asebenza naye. Uthi: “Ngesikhathi engakuthola ngaso lokhu, intombi yayisinezinyanga eziyisithupha ikhulelwe.”

Ngemva kwesikhathi esithile behlala ngokwehlukana, uDaniella wanquma ukufaka isehlukaniso. Uthi: “Ngazama ukuwusindisa umshado wethu, kodwa umyeni wami waqhubeka nokungathembeki.” UDaniella unomuzwa wokuthi wenza isinqumo esifanele. Kodwa noma kunjalo uthi: “Ngokushesha nje ngemva kokuhlala ngokwehlukana, isimo sami esingokwezimali saba sibi. Ngezinye izikhathi ngangiswela ngisho nokudla engizolala ngikudlile. Ngangivele ngiphuze ingilazi yobisi.”

UMaria waseSpain, wabhekana nesimo esifanayo. Uthi: “Owayengumyeni wami akasisizi neze ngokwezimali, futhi kufanele ngisebenze kanzima ukuze ngikhokhe izikweletu ayezenzile. Kwadingeka ukuba ngithuthe endlini enethezekile ngiyohlala endaweni encane engaphephile.”

Njengoba lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho kubonisa, ukubhidlika komshado kuvame ukubangela izinkinga ezinkulu ngokwezimali kwabesifazane. Empeleni, ucwaningo lwaseYurophu olwathatha iminyaka engu-7 lwembula ukuthi lapho iholo labantu besilisa likhuphuka ngamaphesenti angu-11 ngemva kwesehlukaniso, elabesifazane lehla ngamaphesenti angu-17. UMieke Jansen, owayehola kulolu cwaningo uthi: “Kunzima kwabesifazane abathile ngenxa yokuthi kufanele banakekele izingane, bafune umsebenzi futhi babhekane nokuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo okubangelwa isehlukaniso.” Iphephandaba laseLondon i-Daily Telegraph laphawula ukuthi ngokwabameli abathile, izinto ezinjengalezi “zenza abantu babe manqikanqika ngokwehlukana.”

Okungase kwenzeke: Uma ufaka isehlukaniso, ingase inciphe imali yakho. Kungase kudingeke nokuba uthuthe. Uma uthola ilungelo  lokuhlala nezingane, kungase kube nzima ukuzondla wena nokunakekela kahle izidingo zezingane zakho.—1 Thimothewu 5:8.

UJane, owesifazane waseBrithani uthi: “Ukungathembeki komyeni wami kwangishaqisa kabi. Kwangikhungathekisa nokuthi empeleni ukhethe ukusishiya.” UJane wehlukana nomyeni wakhe. Namanje usakholelwa ukuthi wenza isinqumo esifanele, kodwa uyavuma: “Enye yezinselele engabhekana nazo kwaba ukufeza indima yokuba umama nobaba ezinganeni. Kwakufanele ngenze zonke izinqumo.”

UGraciela, owesifazane waseSpain ongumama ohlukanisile, wabhekana nesimo esifanayo. Uthi: “Ngathola ilungelo lokuhlala nomfana wami oneminyaka engu-16. Kodwa inkathi yokuthomba inzima kakhulu, futhi ngangingakulungele ukuyikhulisa ngedwa indodana yami. Kwaphela izinsuku eziningi ngikhala ubusuku nemini. Ngangizibona ngingumama oyisehluleki.”

Labo ababa nelungelo lokukhulisa ingane bobabili bangase babhekane nenye inkinga—ukuxoxa nowayeshade naye ngezinto ezibucayi ezinjengezikhathi zokubona ingane, isondlo nokuyiyala. UChristine, umama ohlukanisile wase-United States, uthi: “Akulula neze ukubambisana nowawushade naye. Kuhilela imizwelo kakhulu, futhi uma unganakile, ungagcina ususebenzisa ingane njengethuluzi lokufeza izinhloso zakho.”

Okungase kwenzeke: Izinqumo ezikhishwa yinkantolo mayelana nelungelo lokuhlala nezingane zingase zingabi yilokho obungakufisa. Uma nobabili ninelungelo lokukhulisa ingane, owawushade naye angase angabi ocabangela ngendlela obungathanda ngayo, ngokuphathelene nezindaba okukhulunywe ngazo ngaphambili ezinjengokubona ingane, isondlo nokunye.

UMark waseBrithani, owaphanjaniselwa umkakhe izikhathi ezingaphezu kwesisodwa, uthi: “Uma ekwenza okwesibili, angizange ngisakwazi ukubhekana nomcabango wokuthi angase aphinde futhi.” UMark wahlukanisa nomkakhe  kodwa wathola ukuthi usamthanda. Uthi: “Uma abantu bekhuluma kabi ngomkami, bacabanga ukuthi bayangisiza kanti akunjalo. Uthando luhlala isikhathi eside.”

UDavid oke wacashunwa, wakhungatheka ngendlela efanayo lapho ethola ukuthi umkakhe wayethandana nenye indoda. Uthi: “Angizange ngikholwe. Ngangifuna ngempela ukuchitha zonke izinsuku zokuphila kwami naye nezingane zethu.” UDavid wakhetha ukuhlukanisa nomkakhe kodwa isehlukaniso samshiya engasaqiniseki ngekusasa lakhe. Uthi: “Ngiyazibuza ukuthi kazi ukhona yini umuntu oyongithanda ngempela noma kungase kungiphinde futhi lokho uma ngibuye ngishada. Angisaqiniseki ngokuthi ngenzeni.”

Uma uhlukanisile kufanele ukulindele ukuthi uyoba nemizwelo ehlukahlukene. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, kungenzeka usamthanda lo muntu oke waba nesibopho sokuba nyamanye naye. (Genesise 2:24) Kanti ngakolunye uhlangothi, kungenzeka kusakucasula lokho okwenzeka. UGraciela oke wacashunwa uthi: “Ngisho nangemva kweminyaka ethile, uzizwa udidekile, unamahloni futhi ungenalusizo. Ukhumbula izinto eziningi ezijabulisayo ezazenzeka lapho nisashadile, bese ucabanga: ‘Wayevame ukungitshela ukuthi akanakuphila ngaphandle kwami. Ingabe wayehlale eqamba amanga? Kungani lokhu kwenzeka?’”

Okungase kwenzeke: Ungase ube nomuzwa obeleselayo wentukuthelo nowokucasulwa yindlela umuntu obushade naye akuphathe ngayo. Ngezinye izikhathi, isizungu singase sikugabhe.—IzAga 14:29; 18:1.

UJosé waseSpain oyindoda ehlukanisile uthi: “Kwakukhungathekisa. Isikhathi esaba sibi nakakhulu kwaba yilapho ngithola ukuthi leli shende kwakungumyeni kadadewethu. Kwakuthi angife.” UJosé wathola ukuthi amadodana akhe  amabili—enye eneminyaka emibili neneminyaka emine—nawo sawathinta isenzo sikanina. Uthi: “Ayehluleka ukusamukela lesi simo. Ayengaqondi ukuthi kungani unina ayesehlala nomyeni kadadewethu nokuthi kungani sasithuthile sayohlala nodadewethu nomama. Uma ngiya endaweni ethile ayengibuza, ‘Uzobuya nini? noma athi, ‘Baba, ungasishiyi!’”

Izingane ngokuvamile ziba izisulu ezilitshalwayo empini yesehlukaniso. Kodwa kuthiwani uma abazali benezingxabano ezingatheni? Esimweni esinjalo, ingabe isehlukaniso “yisona esingcono ngabantwana”? Eminyakeni yamuva, lowo mbono uye waphikiswa—ikakhulukazi lapho izinkinga zomshado zingezimbi kangako. Incwadi ethi The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce ithi: “Abantu abaningi abavaleleke emishadweni engajabulisi bangamangala ukwazi ukuthi izingane zanelisekile ngezinga elithile. Azinandaba nokuthi umama nobaba abalali ndawonye uma nje umkhaya usahlala ndawonye.”

Kuyavunywa, izingane ziyazibona izingxabano zabazali futhi ukungezwani emshadweni kungazilimaza izingqondo nezinhliziyo zazo. Noma kunjalo, ukucabanga ukuthi isehlukaniso siyozizuzisa ngokuzenzekelayo kungaba iphutha. “Indlela umshado ohlelwe ngayo ibonakala isiza abazali ukuba bakwazi ukunikeza izingane iseluleko esifanele nesinokulinganisela ngokuqhubekayo, ezizokwazi ukusilalela ngisho noma umshado ungajabulisi njengoba kulindelekile,” kubhala uLinda J. Waite noMaggie Gallagher encwadini yabo ethi The Case for Marriage.

Okungase kwenzeke: Isehlukaniso singazikhungathekisa izingane, ikakhulukazi uma ungazikhuthazi ukuba zibe nobuhlobo obuhle nowawushade naye.—Bheka ibhokisi elithi  “Ukubambeka Phakathi Nendawo.”

Lesi sihloko sikhulume ngezinto ezine oyobe wenza kahle ngokuzicabangela uma ucabanga ngesehlukaniso. Njengoba kubonisiwe ekuqaleni, uma oshade naye engazange athembeke, isinqumo esakho. Noma ngabe ukhethani, kufanele uyazi imiphumela. Zazi nezinselele ozobhekana nazo futhi uzilungiselele ukubhekana nazo.

Ngemva kokucabanga ngale ndaba, ungase ube nomuzwa wokuthi indlela engcono, ukusebenzela ukuthuthukisa umshado wakho. Kodwa ingabe lokho kungenzeka ngempela?